I know I have tumultuous relationships and I realize that I’m part of the problem. It’s this fucking disease and my upbringing. Which doesn’t make for a good reason to do what I do, and it’s no excuse but I just can’t help it.

I push and push and push things until I get the desired result I want, and even if I do get it I’m still not satisfied. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m honestly starting to think I purposefully try to sabotage my relationships, and I think it’s because I feel like I don’t ever deserve something good or meaningful or that no one will ever really understand this problem I have.

This is part of the disease, this feeling of unworthiness, my “lack of self-image”. I can tell you 100 different ways as to why this occurs but that’s a post for another time. But this feeling of unworthiness is something I cry about all the time. It doesn’t go away, and I don’t know why.. They say I shouldn’t rely on someone else to fulfill this problem, but even with therapy I can’t fix it by myself. So many people tell me all these good attributes about myself but at the end of the day I still feel like I don’t deserve something good happening to me. So when a guy actually treats me right and the way I deserve, I can’t help but sabotage it because of this problem.

And this problem of feeling like no one will ever understand? Well… For example, my boyfriend and I just got into a fight because I was asking him a question over and over again because he wasn’t responding the way I was expecting him to. So, he then proceeded to get upset with me for repeating the question 8 different times which lead into me telling him that this is just how I am (reference above, the pushing pushing thing). I’m always going to repeat questions or statements or things from the past, etc. And he can’t deal with that, he gets angry and yells then I get angry and yell because he started yelling, etc… So we broke up, and my reasoning? Because he doesn’t understand me. He doesn’t understand that this is just how I am, I repeat things.

I feel like that’s another excuse I give, that “you just don’t understand me so I might as well just end it because you’re never going to get it”. Most people don’t get what goes on in my head unless they experience it too. This is just another excuse I give to sabotage my relationships. I need to start realizing and accepting that no one is ever REALLY going to understand this problem, and I need to communicate what’s going on better. But when it’s happening I don’t realize it and I always see it in hindsight.

What’s ironic about this whole thing is that being Borderline means I have a fear of abandonment and yet I’m constantly sabotaging my relationships leaving myself abandoned. Talk about a catch 22…